An afternoon with the ladies who lunch
Mary-Jane Duncan gets her glam on as a guest speaker at the Women's Collective Dundee Ladies Lunch 2024, fundraising for the Make 2nds Count campaign. There were good results all round.
Turning the corner into November marks the end of Breast Cancer Awareness Month.
My social media channels have been flooded with reminders, suggestions, and campaigns over the last 31 days, including the Make2ndsCount 1000 Words campaign I took part in.
It’s an important message, one that deserves not to be lost in a sea of pink.
A lovely friend of mine, Gail, also reached out, inviting me to attend the annual ladies’ lunch she and her fabulous, dedicated committee organise.
This year, they had chosen Make2ndsCount as their charitable cause and asked if I’d be willing to speak as a guest.
This was my chance to step up, contribute, and hopefully help raise enough money to pay forward my spot on one of their wonderful retreats.
The only problem was my inherent fear of public speaking - my tendency to waffle and my fondness for swear words, neither of which seemed to fit their 'Gothic Glam' theme.
Gail and her committee were unwaveringly kind and invited me regardless. I was invited to speak along with Rachel, another inspirational local woman, but we were also told that if we didn’t feel comfortable - even on the day - we didn’t have to.
We were their guests, and their main concern was for us to enjoy the day. My fear of public speaking, my inability to apply makeup, and my aversion to anything higher than a flip-flop would all need to step aside for the occasion.
My eldest daughter, my friend, and I got glammed up and headed to the Invercarse Hotel, not quite sure what to expect.
It was an eye-opener - who knew there was so much black eyeliner, lace, and glamour in Dundee? It was a sea of black fabulousness in a haze of eyeliner, perfume, and prosecco.
There was glitter, sequins, and even crowns. Seeing all the effort for one afternoon left me feeling both overawed and frumpy.
But the energy in the ballroom, the effort of those attending, and the joy in the room inspired me to give my best in sharing my important message.
There was fizz, games, auctions, raffles, and dancing. These magnificent ladies let loose at lunch, making every mirror in the bathroom their own, all determined to have a good time and raise money for an excellent cause.
I had no right to feel any nerves - none at all.
After downing half a bottle of Rescue Remedy I was introduced, and what I’m told was a 15-minute talk passed in a matter of seconds.
I tried to entertain, inform, and educate. I took my time and spoke slowly so my ‘Weegie’ banter wouldn’t be lost in translation.
I reminded myself that my daughter was in the room, and my ultimate goal was to avoid embarrassing her.
The crowd was incredibly generous with their attention and extremely kind in their response - I couldn’t have wished for a better audience.
They were equally attentive when Rachel spoke. She stood there, gorgeous and tall, sharing her story like an absolute queen, and I couldn’t have been more proud of her. And of Gail, a fellow cancer patient and one of the driving forces behind the Women's Collective Dundee.
For all the glitz, glamour, joy, and laughter in that room, I can fully appreciate how much effort went into making the day a success. And it was.
Gail messaged me later to say they had raised a fantastic £17,000 and counting.
I was exceptionally honoured to play a small part in their day and very humbled to realise there are more important things than my pride at stake here.
And grateful to those who provided me with amazing prizes to donate to the raffle and auction - the kindness of folk never fails to take my breath away.
I’ll pop my speech below in case anyone cares to read it. Please know, I went off script a few times - and maybe even let a few swear words slip in.
It just wouldn’t have been me otherwise…
So, what did I say?
The speech
Hello! I’m Mary-Jane, or MJ if it’s easier and what a thrill it is to be here. I won’t lie, when the lovely Gail invited me to a ladies lunch, I had visions of seven or eight octogenarians in twin-sets and pearls doing their knitting while we had an informal chat, so please forgive my nerves.
Public speaking is absolutely NOT my forte, I’m much more comfortable with the written word, safely hidden behind a screen taking the time to write, rewrite and edit before anyone else sees it.
So a little housekeeping before I start.
Number 1 – I’ll need to read off this bit of paper, sorry. A heady mix of chemo brain and perimenopause leaves me with absolutely NO chance of speaking from memory.
Number 2 – I’m known to be a tad sweary so apologies in advance if any profanities slip out and any offence is caused. I’ll do my best to lose my more pirate-like attributes for this afternoon.
Number 3 – the excellent charity you are all here to raise money for is one that directly affects ordinary people like me. I have been an attendee at one of their fabulous retreats and am grateful for all they do for those of us living with this disease.
Please know that when you are digging down to help fundraise, it is deeply appreciated. Throwing myself out of my comfort zone and into a dress and up here to speak, is my way of helping pay my space forward in the hope someone else can be fortunate enough to receive help.
The 18-year-old ‘goth’ MJ was thrilled with the theme of this year’s lunch but you’ll be glad to hear that current 48-year-old MJ decided against the black and purple striped tights and 14-holed Doc Martens.
Anyway - here we are and where do I begin. I asked myself what you all might like to hear about from someone in the midst of cancer treatment.
My diagnosis story? How my life is going since my diagnosis? How to get make the most of what’s available? Where to go for support etc? Or how to support someone in your life that might be going through something similar?
Because we are not special. We are NOT chosen ones: Gail, Rachel, myself and all other lovely ladies dealing with this.
The facts of it
There are an estimated 61,000 people living with secondary breast cancer in the UK, there are no current statistics available specifically for Scotland, or certainly none that I could find.
And according to Cancer Research UK, approximately one in five of all new female breast cancer cases are under the age 50 and around half are between 35 - 64.
This is not a disease that discriminates and yet in the whole of breast cancer awareness month, there is only one day specifically to highlight metastatic breast cancer. October 13th. Just one day set aside, nationally, to raise awareness for this incurable disease and yet approximately 30% of women with primary breast cancer will become metastatic - their disease will come back and spread and become incurable.
Facts that most people are not aware of until stricken with the disease themselves, and by then it is too late.
Who is counting them?
Who is counting them? Nobody. This huge cohort of women: mothers, daughters; wives; aunts, friends, all of whom are currently hidden in this failing system.
The real extent of the problem remains unknown and leaves the NHS unprepared for the level of care and treatments required. Where is the accountability, why has nobody followed this up?
And yet I want people to know there are women living and thriving with metastatic breast cancer. We have work. Families. Friends. I think a lot of people expect us to look sick and a lot of us do not - which gives mixed messages.
Living with it
Living with MBC is hard to describe. I was diagnosed with triple negative breast cancer with metastisis to my lungs de novo, and while I hate to use the cliché, my life turned right upside down in an instant.
I have had IV chemotherapy, surgery and radiotherapy before starting on oral chemotherapy called Capecitabine, which I have been on since May 2019. #
Because I’m not getting the traditionally better-known form of chemo, people don’t understand my treatment. They think I’m done, well again.
They do not realise I will be in active treatment for the rest of my life, no chance of any bell ringing here.
The key word
I’m currently stable and haven’t had any significant progression yet, but the key word here is YET and it will happen, we just don’t know when.
It could be next week or it could be in a few years from now, and I am incredibly grateful there are other treatment options available BUT I constantly feel pulled between thinking I should be living more ‘normally’ and thinking I need to be doing more, before things start to go downhill and I eventually lose the ‘battle’ with metastatic breast cancer.
Please know, it’s wrong to use language like this as it implies we have some kind of control over this disease. We don’t.
We are just doing as we are told by the medical teams that we have to trust implicitly. Progression basically means the drugs didn’t work. But that’s a whole other speech and this is a ladies lunch, not a ladies overnighter.
No story is the same
So here I am as an invited guest speaker. I’m certainly no expert. Not a chance. And let me be very clear on this point—even if I was better informed or educated, I would only be an expert on my own specific circumstances.
Nobody, even your friend’s aunt’s sister-in-law’s dog walker’s mother, who had breast cancer 17 years ago (and she’s fine now), or your hairdresser’s neighbour’s cousin twice removed (who died two years ago) will ever have the same set of specific circumstances as me or anyone else going through this cancery shit show.
Unsolicited advice heard via the school playground rumour mill is never required nor welcome.
Please, just offer to make a lasagne - or, even better, just turn up with one - and deliver it while keeping your opinions on the restorative powers of CBD oil and turmeric to yourself.
The power of kindness
Never underestimate the power of kindness and compassion in your interactions with others; kindness, compassion, empathy and lasagne.
I’m not a famous celebrity or well-known writer BUT I do hope that my experience and my knowledge will help others like me.
I waited months before I went to the doctors and by that time it was too late.
Early detection
Cancer does not discriminate by age and women of ALL ages need to know the importance of early detection.
But for that reason, due to my indecision and hesitation, I am painfully accepting of the fact my situation IS my fault and for that I owe my nearest and dearest the biggest of heartfelt apologies. I could have, and should have done something sooner.
It takes time to come to terms with a new reality, but I am still here and I generally keep very well. There have been side effects and consequences, but we try not to let it stop us making the most of every opportunity.
I’ve been living in three-week cycles for the past five years now and you just kind of learn to live with it really. I’m now in my sixth year since I was diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer and the worst part, for me, is the effect it has had on my family.
My husband and our children. I would give anything for them not to be affected by cancer.
Beyond the pink
There is nothing pink or fluffy about the reality of this disease. And while pink may be the colour of the ribbon and it helps to keep breast cancer awareness strong, the brutal reality can sometimes get lost in all the ‘prettiness’.
There is a darker side to this ‘pink’.
October can be an incredibly emotional month and it can be so incredibly triggering for those that live and breathe cancer on a daily basis.
Breast cancer is something I talk about every single day - there are scars and reminders all over my body and I am a different person because of it, every single day.
Charities like Make2ndsCount with the 1000 voices campaign and METUPUK with their ‘who really cares’ campaign are so vital in this difficult-to-navigate space.
They are seeking to support and, most importantly, to educate.
What if you could help people with breast cancer purely by being more informed and in control from DAY ONE?
Help spread the word, be more informed and in control. Make sure your friend/relative /self has access to personalised support, or simply realising you should never ignore something you are concerned about.
Some 31 patients die in the UK every single day from MBC, yet thousands of women are also living their lives with the disease - and we will not be written off, and we refuse to be defined by it.
Know the signs
Please learn and know the signs. Please be more cancer aware. Please check your breasts on the first of each month.
Do it if only to make sure your old lady self knows you were looking out for her while you still could.
Do everything you can for the wild, chaotic and fabulous old woman you all deserve to be one day - time is a beautiful and brilliant privilege.
Seize all your moments before they’re gone and make your seconds count.
Thank you.