MJ Duncan - the double fool that she is
Cancer is relentless. Triple Negative Breast Cancer is unforgiving. Here's a plea.
I have no right to write this, but I’m doing it anyway.
You may remember I wrote about the terrifying experience of speaking at a ladies' lunch in November—having to wear a dress and walk in something higher than a pair of Converse, speaking in front of a room full of glamorous ladies.
I was launched out of my comfort zone but treated with overwhelming grace and kindness as I blethered on about living with cancer.
This past weekend, I received the sad news that the other exceptionally glamorous speaker, Rachel, had passed away.
Final days
She spent her final days receiving end-of-life care at home, surrounded by her devoted family and her beloved sidekick, Sheldon, the dog.
My husband and I were away for the weekend when the text message telling me dropped into my inbox, and it floored me.
Yet I felt I had no right to feel that way—wounded and sore-hearted. I had only had the pleasure of meeting Rachel in person that one time. It was busy, I wasn’t at my best due to nerves, and she was surrounded by her adoring posse, having the best goth-glam time.
Yet I felt her warmth immediately, and without having to voice it, we knew what the other was going through and shared an accelerated friendship through simply knowing. We chatted privately on social media and supported each other there.
Promises of meeting for coffees, going for dog walks, etc., were always genuine, even if they never materialised.
There was simply an unspoken understanding, respect, and love that those traveling along a similar path could only achieve in such a short time
Tiny but mighty
Even though I only knew her briefly and from afar, the outpouring of love and sadness at her loss makes me even more proud to have met that tiny but mighty, gorgeous woman who stood at that podium, radiating joy and telling her story in the hope that just one other woman in the room would learn from her experience.
Her story inspires me. While I am no longer the ‘before’ story, I have yet to reach the ‘after’—and thanks to Rachel paving the way, I’ll keep going, smiling as I do.
I don’t know her husband or family. Despite my lack of subtlety and ‘bull in a china shop’ ways, I know it’s not my place to reach out. No words could ease their loss.
I hope that somehow, they know she was a joy for me to know, even briefly, and that this unknown friend will always remember her.
A relentless disease
As if I needed another reminder of how relentless this disease is, today, March 3, just so happens to be Triple Negative Breast Cancer Day.
How kind of social media to inform me—as if I needed reminding. Either way, it gives me a reason to hop on up (helped by two able-bodied folk and the use of a stepping stool) onto my CHECK YOUR BOOBS cancer soapbox.
Six and a half years into this shit show, I’m done asking nicely. Get it done, or declare yourself a fool for not doing so. I literally spend my spare time sitting in waiting rooms taking photos of my shoes for our online cancer groups - the #waitingroomshoes is only a thing you know if you know. It’s hardly what I wanted to be doing when I grew up.
Stop relying on others to put you back together when things go wrong, especially when there are simple self-examinations you can do to help yourself.
Take it from someone who knows. From someone who didn’t advocate for herself because she was too busy, too ignorant, or had her head buried too deeply in the sand. We’re all complaining that our beloved NHS is on its knees, and here I am—I’m the problem, it’s me.
I knew better
I knew I had a lump. I knew I should have had it examined. BUT I KNEW BETTER because I was only 42, and things don’t happen to you in your early forties—DING DING DING—W.R.O.N.G.
So here I am, in the midst of my 98th cycle of capecitabine chemotherapy, not asking, but TELLING you to follow some simple instructions and know your own body.
If you’re a man reading this and switching off because you think breast cancer only happens to women, congratulations—you’re as big a fool as I am.
You are your own best advocate; please remember that. Your health matters more to no one than you—except perhaps your children, who deserve a parent who is fit, healthy, and, most importantly, present in their lives.
This isn’t a taxing ask. It won’t cost you anything more than a moment of your time. No exchange of money is necessary; you need no special equipment or expertise. You simply need to remember to ‘feel it on the first’.
Just a deep breath and a squeeze in the shower—like that wasn’t happening anyway. Just do it for the sake of self-help rather than self-pleasure for once.
There are several early signs of breast cancer, and I shall conveniently list some below because the chances of treating breast cancer and surviving this bastard disease are significantly improved when it is detected early.
Early signs
A lump in your breast might be the best-known indication of breast cancer, but there are other symptoms to be aware of.
Knowing your own body, recognising these signs, and advocating for early diagnosis could save your life.
Please note that although I am indeed a breast cancer patient, I am NOT a breast cancer expert and have no medical training in any way.
If you have any concerns regarding your breast health (or any health issues), please see a qualified medical professional as soon as possible.
Schedule that appointment without ANY hesitation so that any potential abnormalities are detected and dealt with quickly. Please.
1. An increase in the size or thickness of the breasts or the area near the underarms.
2. Alterations in the size or contour of the breast—any detectable change in size, shape, or appearance of your breasts for whatever reason.
3. Dimpling or puckering of the skin—sometimes referred to as an ‘orange peel’ appearance.
4. Nipple discharge—bloody, clear, whatever—get it checked.
5. Inverted or retracted nipples.
6. Constant sore breasts or nipples—persistent or unusual discomfort.
7. Any rash or flushing of the skin in the area next to the breasts—if the skin appears swollen, red, or warm to the touch.
8. Protrusions or swelling in the inner region of the armpit area—the underarm.
9. Sudden, unexplained weight loss.
10. Exhaustion—extreme and unexplainable fatigue that does not improve with rest.
11. Itching or sensitivity of the breast area that cannot be explained by any other factor.
And while you’re at it, check your life insurance for critical illness cover. I didn’t—double fool that I am.
If not for yourself, do it for me, Rachel, and the thousands of women like us.
For further information, consider visiting the following websites:
TNBC advice here
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Bravo Mary-Jane
Thank you MJ! I remember meeting you at Kitschnbake when we came to visit from Canada. Your energy is captivating and I appreciate your article with its reminder to do breast self exams regularly. Thank you!